Viability and Pregnancy Paranoia

Yesterday, I officially hit the 24 week mark in my pregnancy.  Woohoo!  Viability!  This means that if our daughter should choose to make an early appearance, she would have a decent chance of survival (with a little help).  Ideally, she waits until her due date, but it does take a lot of stress off of me.

I have been ridiculously paranoid this pregnancy.  We had a bit of a scare at the beginning when I was spotting off and on for a few weeks.  I keep setting goals for myself to stop worrying.  "Once we go to the 8 week ultrasound and see the heartbeat, I'll stop worrying...once we hit the end of the first trimester and the risk of miscarriage drops, I'll stop worrying...once I feel the baby move every day, I'll stop worrying...once I hit the 24 week mark, I'll stop worrying."

Newsflash:  I haven't stopped worrying.  Most of the time, I merrily go about my day, living my life, very excited and hopeful about this baby.  But every now and then, I have a moment of panic and terror.  How long has it been since she moved last?  Is she okay?  Did I take my prenatal vitamin?  Did I eat something that could hurt my baby?  Was that last physical activity too strenuous?  Was that shower/bath too hot?  DID I JUST KILL MY BABY?!?!?!

So far, the moments are brief and pass quickly, and I laugh at myself for overreacting.  It doesn't help to read about horror stories like cervical incompetence, placental abruption, amniotic fluid leaks, etc.  After I read these stories, I sit there for a while trying to figure out if I have any of those symptoms.  Was that round ligament pain or the beginnings of an early labor cramp?  Is my discharge waterier than usual?  I don't know, what was it like before?  And it doesn't end with things that could be happening to my body.  I have never enjoyed driving, but suddenly it seems like the streets are filled with maniacs.  Am I sitting too close to the steering wheel?  Is that other car going to hit me?  People in stores and other public places are suddenly crawling with infectious diseases.  I just know that I am going to catch some terrible virus that could hurt my baby.

This state of paranoia is so foreign to me.  I am usually a super calm, laid-back person.  I know that the worrying never truly goes away, even after the baby is safely born.  It just changes into a different type of worry.  And I truly have relaxed a bit now that I can feel the baby move regularly and have reached the 24 week mark.  And like I said, 95% of the time, I am very relaxed and excited about this pregnancy.  But still...I worry.

The Last Vacation

This week Brian and I went down to Charleston for his Spring Break.  Despite the cold, rainy weather, it was a lovely relaxing trip.  We got to see Fort Sumter, see Grandma Zinser, and tour the aquarium.  We ate delicious food that I didn't have to prepare, and in the mornings and evenings we could look out over the harbor and enjoy the view.  It was a much-needed break for both of us, and the relaxed pace was great for my lower energy levels.

It was a bittersweet vacation.  This will be the last vacation where it is just the two of us for many, many years.  From now until our daughter comes, all of our other trips will be to visit and stay with family.  After our daughter comes, we will be bringing her along for many years to come.  We are so excited to start this new chapter in our lives, but we are still a little bit sad to see this one end.

And so we begin to prepare for our little bundle of joy to arrive.  We have already received some clothes and blankets and started to clear out the craft room (soon to be a nursery).  I have been feeling her move inside me, sometimes with gentle flutters, sometimes with strong, forceful kicks (those have been getting more frequent).  It took us a while to settle on a name, but we finally did, and now we speak to her and sing to her.  We decided to keep the name a secret until she is born for several reasons.  First, we wanted something to be a surprise when she is born.  Second, if people don't like the name, they won't be as likely to tell us if it's already done.  And finally, if we change our minds between now and then, there won't be any awkward questions.

Sometimes it seems like July will never get here, and sometimes it feels like it is right around the corner.  I have to think about time in terms of the next doctor's appointment (every 4 weeks), or I would go crazy.  I will miss these little vacations with just Brian.  I will miss being able to travel on a whim at the drop of a hat.  But I am more than happy to trade those things in for a life with our daughter.